page 207-211

As has been the case for some time now, the handwriting on this page is looser than it should be, shaky, disjointed and meandering, clumsy. There are many mistakes and ink smears the surface both in fingerprints and from hesitation. A lot of thoughts go unfinished or jump ahead; likely, as seems to be habit, he's either interrupted himself and moved on or left and returned later to write, rather than simply moving on to a new page.

I haven't been back to the loft since I told Auro how I felt. I guess it's better this way, seeing what I learned just now. No, beginning this time. Order the thoughts. Keep them stacked neatly. I'm writing on spare pieces of parchment like I have been lately because my journal's back at the loft and I can't bring myself to go there again. It means everything warm and safe, and was a place given to me by people I thought loved me, even if it wasn't how I wanted it to be. Everything's falling apart and I feel so dead inside. I'm so tired.

I'm falling apart. I think I'm dying a little, every day.

Some days are better than others, a little. There aren't really any examples of the good kind, lately. I think... Rue's company and nights with Vyrian where he's back and not out somewhere doing whatever it is paladins in disguise do are the only things keeping me from just... wandering away. When I'm all here I want to stay because I keep hoping one of them will tell me 'it's okay' and that I will finally believe them but most of the time I'm gone and it's just easier that way and then I'm walking and more time goes and I find myself suddenly elsewhere in the city, confused. I'm afraid. I'm so tired.

When Vyrian isn't here and I can't find him, I can't sleep, so I don't, and it just gets worse. I haven't been eating again. It's not like I'm really conscious of the decision any longer. I just... don't, I guess. Time passes, and more time passes, and I blink and it's suddenly another day and the cramping in my gut isn't even really that noticeable anymore. I don't want to eat. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of point. A few people get mad at me for what meager decisions I make any longer, but I'm pretty sure it's just on principle, like swatting a cur with a rolled up newspaper so's it doesn't shit inside the house. 'Things You Just Don't Do' you know? No feeling attached behind it. Reflex.

Cadence, particularly, seems this way. She's very insistent. 'Baby this, baby that.' 'It isn't good for the baby.' 'Why won't you think about the baby.' 'It isn't just your body.' I wish she'd leave me alone about it. I don't care. There's no reason to.

I'm just a body. A shell. I think she feels concern more for this nameless, faceless thing in me that I fear so much than she feigns for me. I think that, those that know, that's how they feel. I'm just a body. A female one made to house this reject of nature that I'm supposed to love and all I feel is apathy. Or when I'm all here, disgust and terror and confusion and ^{thinking this hurts and makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, but I already did that and it makes me violently sick later. Need to write, need to write and sleep and} I'm okay. Okay. Okay. Okay okayokayokayoka

Just a body.

Auroran I miss you please come  back Imsorry whatever I did come back and bring pro and tat anna and

Who am I?

What am I?

I'm nothing.

Those that know, they see me as one thing, those that don't, they see me as another, yet both are just as bad and neither are true. I'm just a body. No face. With tits. Those that know don't understand and don't believe me so I don't exist and everything runs together until I collapse into sleep and so I can't tell what's really happening and what I'm imagining or dreaming up. Everything is so gods awful and like some eternal nightmare that I can't claw my way out of. The hat isn't helping much. I don't know if it ever did or if I just wanted it because it meant someone, somewhere, had cared enough about Vyrian to make him this ugly beautiful disgusting thing.

I'm this stupid hat.

Except Elune made me and She hates me and gave me to these guys so I wonder if that means She hates all of them, too.

I wasn't a gift to anyone out of love.

I don't

I

I don't want to be this way but I don't know what to do

I don't want to be like this

I'm a leech. Useless. Dependant. Crying sniveling weak so useless terrified alone

I don't want

What do I do?

Ruepert says he'll protect me from the other Kamil. I told him my suspicions but he doesn't believe them. I'm pretty sure some of the 'family' want to kill me, that they're going to. Just taking their sweet fucking time about it. He doesn't believe me even though I gave him plenty of reasons.
I don't think Rue understands either. Doesn't believe me. No one does and it's so frightening

I reminded him about what Ley told me, of the things that have happened lately. Auro gone, Pro gone, Miles punching me for being stupid and then banning me from his home, from Grin it hurts why does this hurt so fucking much to be alone why cant i just deal with it and Tat Anna probably still always around in the Bay but I can't GO there and I told him what Ley said later, too, about culling. He just insists they won't do anything to me because I'm his friend and they're his friends and he'll protect me and I was too tired to try harder to explain why he's wrong.

I don't understand why he wants me to believe he's my friend. It's so much easier to see the truth when I'm not around him and he isn't letting me cling to him like he's a life-raft and I'm the fuckup who forgot how to swim. Miles has taken Grin and Tat Anna and Pro and Auro from me. He'll take Rue, too. Time. Time and waiting and I'll be completely alone again, surrounded in the end by those that hate me and I'll die alone like I deserve.
I kissed Rue. Sort of. I was thinking about how nice he is even if it's not real and I don't have any way to thank him but me and that's a shitty way to thank anyone but it's all I've got and I don't even think he KNOWS what sex is and even if he did he wouldn't, not with me and I don't know why. It was just on the cheek though. His beard's scratchy, and reminded me of how the old man's felt when he didn't want to ask me to help him shave. Stubborn, blind old fool. Look what too much pride gets you. Scruffy draenei face, that's what.

He blushed and stared at me and I felt so disgusting that I just... froze. Didn't say anything. Then he was laughing nervously and stumbling on his words and I just felt more like an asshole who had no business even being near him much less curled up practically in his lap so he'd keep hugging me. I fuck everything up. He said some bullshit about how it was great that I found him a good enough friend to do things like that but that he wasn't comfortable with it or comfortable with returning the gesture or something. I don't know.

What it all really meant in the end was that I shouldn't have and he didn't want it or my clumsy attempts at thanks and I'm just a fuck up. If Rue even understands the concept of pity, I'm pretty sure thats why he's pretending to be my friend.

That's why he didn't even stick to what he said, too, when he reached out after a while and cupped the nape of my neck and then kissed the top of my head. I mean, what is that? I don't even Either keep to what you say or don't say it I'm a hypocrite like I'm not Whatever. It doesn't really matter, anyway.

I cried in his arms after that because no one does things like kiss me all caring-like on the top of my head

I think I said some of the things I think because he was telling me all the usual garbage about how it isn't true and I said a lot of stupid shit after that and none of it matters either. He thanked ME for being his friend and for letting him 'be here' for me which doesn't make any sense and I should stop trying to put Ruepert into the sense category because he doesn't. Make any, that is. Like I don't know how much of a favor he's doing for me by sitting with me and hugging me or letting me pretend just for a little while that he means it when he says he loves me and he's my friend. Like I don't know how much of a fuck up I am and how much everything that's happened to me is deserved even if sometimes I don't understand what I did to be tortured this way for so long.

I talked with the kind-of-boss, Lazaar, some more. We said a lot of shit, too, and I don't remember most of it something's wrong with my memory I can't remember a lot anymore when my memory used to be so perfect except I've decided he's not the big bad thing I thought but he's still a jerk but at least he's got REASONS to be a jerk and I get them and so we can be miserable fuckups together. There was fighting with some dwarf chick who decided to interrupt us, and needling Lazaar about being afraid of liking dick and Cadence coming by and leaving and Lazaar kicking me square in the back. I got him to consider sparring with me though.

My back really hurts. Cadence lectured me more but I didn't listen to much of it and waited until she ran her mouth dry before asking if I could follow her around for the day. I was afraid of going back to the Argent barracks and finding Vyrian still out. So, I helped her at the Cathedral. I think. I don't remember much of that either. I think I was in my not there place again for most of it.

The last 'entry' for these handfuls of loose parchment pages is filled with a few large, scrawled sentences. They're, weirdly enough, painstakingly written and look more like his old, ornate handwriting.

I met Her. It's like how I imagine Mother Moon to be underneath all the bullshit and glitter that my people have painted Her as.

Mother Moon is dead and leathery and really a draenei and She Knows.

Oh, fuck, I'm going to die.

She Knew. Everything.

Mother Moon. I met Her and She's Dead and She drinks tea and doesn't do anything but smile.

She Knows. She'll tell.

There is nothing and no one to pray to or to save me.

I'm going to die if I can't wake up.
 
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