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I was right. Everyone was around. I imagined it all. Just because Pro and Auro and Grin weren't there doesn't mean anything.

Rue was there and he let me hang on his arm like I belonged and I helped him say a few orcish words while Natharai paraded us around and tried to keep Lazaar and Miles in line (yeah right) and it was a mess and I kept getting in trouble.

I've lost sight of how I should behave and act any longer. So many personalities and personas I've played over the years to different people. I can't keep track of what I'm supposed to be. Natharai likes it when I don't ask questions and just do my job, I need to remember that. I understand people like him. I won't ask anymore and just wait to be told. Heh. Take a page from Astarin and sit in rooms until called on like some fucking wind-up doll. I don't mean that. It isn't his fault he's like how he is.

Ruepert kept getting distracted. Can't blame him. Silvermoon is one big glitter-fest full of obnoxious sin'dorei and their obnoxious magic that makes me feel like I'm a glutton just for breathing in I could almost use magic I think, being surrounded by all of that, it's just like in Dalaran and eventually everything got settled. I think we made trouble for Tat Anna, and I felt bad about that, but what am I supposed to do? She's not my boss. Fucking Lazaar and Ley and Miles are. I wish it was just Natharai. He's intelligent even for a human and knows what he's doing. He'd make a better boss. I'm glad I work under him most of the time.

I still don't know what Tat Anna thought I could have done about Lazaar and trying to torment that cat and speaking only in Common like the Guardians weren't ten feet away. I can't do anything but just nod and go where I'm pointed. That never bothered me before. It doesn't. I just hate their guts. Does that stinking, rotten, walking corpse even have guts any longer?

I met this sin'dorei. He was one of the ones that followed us around and hid in bushes like a child it was cute it was annoying. He talks real southern, I haven't heard an accent like his in so many years.

He was really charming.

Then I found out he was a paladin, too.

I'm surrounded.

He was really handsome.

I may stay in Silvermoon a few days, even when this disguise wears off. I don't know how I'd talk to him after it does, but
I wonder if he'll be my friend. He said I could visit his stables because it isn't on City property, which is good because I don't think I can stand to be in that place ever for very long anymore. So many memories I don't want to think about

I'm surrounded by paladins but I met someone else after Bantarion went home and feeling less dead (funny given the disguise I was wearing) lasted for longer. It was nice to have someone to sit with for more time. I didn't have to think much except when he asked questions and I just let whatever might come out come out because I'm tired of being in charge of my thoughts and tired of looking over my shoulder and tired. So tired. I don't have the energy to be who I am so I just became Marrows for a while and it was nice to not be me.

He was rude at first, but then pointed out I was the one being rude--I didn't know! I don't know how to talk to people anymore I feel like this hideous bloated thing and everyone can see all my lies layer and layer on layer and that they all KNOW and

He was handsome, too, in a feral kind of way. Had teeth like me and so many piercings and his hair done in this really interesting style I've only ever seen on trolls before.

He smelled good. Really good.

I'm surrounded by paladins and delicious-smelling men.

Mother Moon really has a rotten sense of humor.

He made fun of me for being 'undead' even though I'm not but I couldn't tell him that. He told me I was weird and that if I'm being mopey it can't be about 'girl troubles' and gave me this peculiar look. What the hell was that about? Turns out undead can't 'get it up' which is news to me. Look at that disgusting pig Lazaar. And I've met a lot of deaders over the years that their parts haven't rotted off yet, either.

It was embarrassing, his questions. I didn't know how to answer them so I didn't answer and I guess he took that to mean I couldn't. Sick sick truth since I don't have anything to get up anyway.

I'm okay. I can keep functioning like this. I won't think and I'll just shut off until the thoughts go away. I'll write more then.

He said his name was Vyrian, but first he said it was Razorgrin.

I told him my name, too, but only when he gave me his real one. He kept calling me Sharky and it reminded me of the old man and of Astarin but I liked it.

He left after a while like everyone does and I couldn't get out the words to ask to go home with him before his hearthstone finished it's spell.

I'll probably never see either of them again.
How can I be surrounded by people all the time and meet people and try to make friends and still feel so alone and lost.