It still smarts, stings. Hearing her condemn those that seek another's embrace, even if just for a little while to stave off the loneliness, was crushing. Regardless of our strained friendship--can I even call it that?--I have worried over her and her distance she keeps from everyone around her. To think that she views me, holds me in as much or less regard as a slut in any manner of speaking makes something wither inside of me. Am I really so reprehensible? This only fosters more feelings of inadequacy, of loathing this dependance I have found myself in to those around me.
People keep telling me it is okay to need other people, to rely on them, to go to them instead of keep to myself, instead of holding back and keeping others at a distance. Yet then I am confronted with giving in to what I actually want out of life is immoral, is inappropriate, is 'not what good people do;' well, how do I react to that, how do I even begin to feel anything but worthless?
I wish I understood her and her motivations.
I guess she is no longer mad at me anymore, at least. I would prefer her cold shoulder to thinking me a whore, but it is a step? She tried once again to divert my opinion of the Kamil and the 'family' claiming that they hold her effectively hostage as payment to her brother's debt. It does not really matter if I believe it or not, but I kept my mouth shut for once. Cadence does not understand my priorities. I doubt she ever will.
We hugged at some point, and I offended her all over in expressing my confusion over her claiming she is 'not good with' that kind of thing. Unsurprising I suppose, given her tendencies to do as much pushing away as I have done, but still. She is a girl. Girls are good at that kind of thing. They are made for comfort.
I actually thought for a moment that Cadence might slap me when I said as much.
Conversation with her is so filled with morals and confusing directions.
It reminds me of the strange elf that sat down next to me--this seems to be a trend, as not days later another stranger, elven as well, did the same--to talk. At least this one was less annoying than the second elf and his talk of trees.
Selim looked a little charming with that little goatee of his and the ugly hat, but his smile. Oh, that smile was so familiar that it made my chest tight and my throat close. How very much some of the things he talked with me about reminded me of those I care for. I told him this, practicing that honesty thing some more, and then briefly toyed with the idea of actually asking him to accompany me to Auroran. Realization was quick, however: with all the sleeping that Auro has done lately, he would likely be resting now, too.
Perhaps some other time, if I see the boy again. I think that it might truly cheer him up, to see evidence of a young elf being raised with a father who is 'sometimes his mother, and sometimes his father.'
Auroran, I wish you would talk to me.
A small addition is made in the margins and curls around the page, as if he chose the first page that the journal happened to open upon in his haste to scribble down thoughts.
Windila found me. I was talking with Cadence again, right out in the open.
I have become far too complacent.
Do I leave? Keep running?
I do not know what to do.
Hearing Procrastin's words echoed from her about returning, about talking to him
I cannot do that. I just cannot.
I wish they would all leave me alone
What would I say?
What would he say?
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