page 192

Seems ages ago that Auroran 'won' me at that Brightmoon Faire auction. Today was supposed to be 'our' date as a result, but I am privately glad that Procrastin joined us. He looked really handsome all cleaned up with his silvery-white hair matching the white and black robes so nicely

I helped Auro with getting dressed beforehand and with applying a little makeup to highlight his features, and the results were breathtaking. He calls them facepaints. It is rather endearing. I keep forgetting how young he truly is, even for an elf. I suppose that is a bit of a pat on the back. I definitely felt some sense of smug, self-satisfied pride in how well they looked together even as an emptiness gnawed away at me all the same for how much I do not fit when it only takes two to hold hands.

We went to see some play... carol... thing. Held out in the middle of a frozen-over lake. In Dun Morogh, of all places. I hate snow. I hate cold. I really hate ice. And the play was moronic, sophomoric even. I hardly understood what it was about, other than 'holidays are fantastic' and 'be kind to everyone or ghosts will kick your ass and torment you with visions of terrible things' and 'this was heavily endorsed by Smokeywood Pastures.' Figures. Goblins.

Procrastin seemed of like mind, at least; we spent most of the play snickering and heckling at the audience and cast, until Auroran glowered at us and shushed us loudly. That was kind of embarrassing and a bit of a let down. We were just having a little fun. I would have rather been elsewhere thinking up ways for us all to keep warm in the snow.

Forced to remain quiet during the drivel presented to us, and forever unable to truly act on impulse, I draped myself behind them, an arm around each to pretend I fit naturally with them when I did not, and contented myself with idly running my fingers through Procrastin's ponytail and Auroran's wind-tousled hair. Until Auroran glowered at me for growing further bored and attempting to plait his hair. The snow dumped down Pro's robe netted me a smack to the head--he got lucky, given I was hidden from sight in shadows the entire play.

I think at some point I grew tired even of attempting my own entertainment, and fell asleep against them in the cold.
All in all, it was a pretty rotten 'date.' I do not think I will try one of those again any time soon.

Procrastin invited me back to their home--why is it that lately, Auroran is so very distant and seems to withdraw from me more and more, and it is Procrastin who extends a friendly hand or a morsel of affection?--and despite knowing better with the cats they keep and my allergies, I accepted.

Should have known better.

Auroran decided to cook dinner. Something called a meat pie--cannot say it sounded particularly appetizing, but Procrastin seemed enthused, like a little boy, which was charming, so I lingered even longer. Briefly Auroran seemed in better spirits than he has been in a long time, as he kidded quite a bit with Procrastin about sausage. The double meanings had me in stitches, especially so given that the bewildered human took entirely too long to 'cotton on' as they say.

Sad to me that that brief few minutes of laughter with them in the warmth of their home has been the highlight of the entire rotten day.

The mere scent of Auroran's 'pie' ended up sending me green to the gills, so to say, and I said as much, thinking it was safe to do so given the present company. Auroran grew sullen, and sniped at me. I could not take it further; I was so tired and so confused about his behavior lately, that I got up and walked out.

And again it was not Auroran who followed and caught me just outside to ask if I was alright, but Procrastin. I lingered then, too. I wonder if he noticed how much I wanted to kiss him again for his actions.

As I am prone to when unhappy and with no one to stave it off by companionship, I wandered. Took a boat, and found myself on Grin's doorstep.


That was shortlived, as well. We talked, and smoked, but it was just more bullshit, in the end. He asked me if broken faith could mend, and I laughed for it. And smoked some more. What was there to say? I told him truth, because he is inexplicably my friend, too, but I wish I had lied, because he needs as much hope to cling to as his wife his husband his man does. It haunts me when I close my eyes: that sincere, utter look of relief crossing Grin's face that he tried so hard to hide after I told him I had come seeking his company rather than adding myself to the number parading outside their home to give wellwishes to the Scarlet to Campion to Miles.


Eventually he went back inside and I stayed on the roof like some fucked up ornament--happy holidays I guess, guys--and stared at the dark sky above. And smoked more.


I fell asleep again at some point, but the creak of a door after being unlocked startled me awake. At first, I figured it might be Grin, and I was hopeful, stupidly so, because maybe the blonde thug would invite me in, and I could stay with them, and maybe sleep in a bed that is not empty.

It was just him, instead. No Grin.


I am getting sentimental in my old age. I tried telling him exactly how I felt, but he was so dead inside and out, and there was so much pain. All I could remember was how that had felt, and how very much I had wanted to die and could not.
Fuck.

I held him. Elune's tits, I sang to him; like An'da did for me as a child when people told me I was not a boy and I would run to him in tears. I almost told Campion everything Then Veronni came, and smacked some reality back into me with her presence.

I left, to go sleep alone again on the roof.

Today was a waste of time.