page 190

Where to start? It always seems that I sit here for hours, staring down at blank parchment while ink dries on my quill or blots the page. I should like, just once, to know exactly what to pen down, and for it to come swiftly, cleanly from my thoughts onto this journal.

There is no change with the Scarlet with Campion ^{with Miles.} I hear there remains a steady influx of those willing to visit him, to sit and suffer with him while he slowly dies inside from broken faith. I refuse to go. Perhaps I will go at a later time, when there is no one around. Just to visit Grin, of course. Certainly, I could use the company, and I doubt much anyone is traipsing through jungle to the Bay to sit with him when his personal grey stormcloud is puddling all over the rug in their home.

I keep thinking about this morning. This morning should be a mistake yet as guilty as I feel, it is guilt for all the wrong reasons, I am quite certain. My ears grow warm even thinking on it, yet I cannot dredge up a single ounce of regret the way I should. The ordeals of Icecrown finished yet not over, Procrastin, Auroran, and I trooped back to the office and 'my' loft. It was surprisingly thoughtful of Procrastin, offering for us--us, as in the three of us, not the two of them!--to rest a while where I could be with them instead of sleeping off my injuries again  alone. I was happy. Is that so wrong of me? Admist all of this tragedy and admist my self-loathing and guilt for so many numerous transgressions, that simple offer after he and I made up was such a relief that it filled a tiny bit of the gaping hole I feel inside all the time. I was happy.

I think he and I talked for a time; I was exhausted, and so was he, so it was not really much of import. I remember feeling shame for my injuries, for yet again being so moon-damned dependant on another, yet he did not bat an eye when I finally admitted some of my breathing problems did not just come from my cracked ribs but the leather corset pressing them in so tightly. He scooted over on my tiny mattress where we were all huddled on, and undid the lacings for me. Paltry relief, there, too. It was also he who needled me dragged me convinced me that it would be alright to lay down with the two of them.

Two elves over seven feet tall and a human of decent size on one human-sized mattress? There was not exactly a lot of room. Yet I did not mind sharing what little space there was with them, and somehow we managed; Auroran kept his back to the wall and 'our' human pressed to his front, while I lay draped against Procrastin's back.

His body nestled against me while the three of us napped was a warm weight in my arms and surprisingly very pleasant. Exhausted yet unable to find sleep with my ribs aching so fiercely and the ever-present fear in the back of my mind of inevitable nightmares, my mind naturally drifted. I started thinking about all the small things Procrastin has done for me, the kindness he has shown despite how much of a dick he really can be. And then I was thinking of the way he looks as he smirks, the tone he takes when he's finding himself particularly witty for some sarcastic remark he has just made. How it felt when so many weeks ago, he held me and stroked my back and did not say anything as I cried into his shoulder.

Mother Moon. I think I am in love with them both. Is that even possible?

At some point I finally fell asleep, comforted by their steady breathing. One extremely vivid dream later I woke after to discover another surprise; Procrastin had turned in his sleep, head tucked under my chin. His arm was around my waist, too, but what should have alerted me and only encouraged me instead, was the way my hands had apparently wandered and found their way under his robes. He was very warm under my fingers.

His slurred, sleep-drunk words were mostly incoherent and my pulse was rabbiting away in my ears too much for me to pay much attention. I was then instantaneously and quite abruptly awake at the yell that blasted in my ears. I am ashamed to say that Auroran caught me, quite literally, 'fondling the merchandise.'

Procrastin was finally awake then and scrambling to sit up, too. Everything devolved from there.

Why can I not feel guilt for hurting Auroran like that? I only feel guilt for getting caught, and this knowledge of myself disgusts me. I am a horrible friend. I would have gladly put my hands to use for him, too. For both of them.
I gave some bullshit excuse about feeling debt to Procrastin after all his talk of ingratitude. I do not think either bought it. It is partially truth, actually--there is so very little that I could give to either of them in gift or payment that is not my body; but what I said about it is no where near what I really meant by my actions.

There's a significant amount of space before the entry resumes, and the quality of the ink is a little different. Likely this was penned at a later time.

Procrastin kissed me.

There was more to it than that, of course. It was not a peck to the cheek and although at the time it felt like it came from out of the blue, I imagine like many things Procrastin does, it was not entirely simple impulse.

We were in Nagrand, on one of the floating chunks of broken earth he is so fond of. He did most of the talking, for once. Wanted me to admit the truth behind the previous day and my actions then, and he dragged me to this secluded spot to strongarm me convince me of the importance of speaking with Astarin the father, too.

I was admittedly not very interested in any of that, nor do I have designs to follow that little bit of 'sage' advice from him, much less about hiring a prostitute. Asshole.

I can hardly think of anything else.

The way his mouth felt against mine I was afraid he would be repulsed or my tongue would suddenly stop working.

He kissed me and I liked it.

Elune above.

What would it be like to kiss Auroran?