I am a failure in so many ways.
E stopped to talk with me outside the Lamb, to apologize, I think. I was so distracted that I did not pay her much attention. More regret. I received my first assignment today, which is how she found me at all; I was sitting on one of the benches overlooking the well to read the missive when she approached me.
She tossed a book down the well which got my attention--it was what we had used before I got a new tongue to communicate through. I think a little piece of me died for the symbolism.
I left her there with that mask of hers hiding her expression--it was not too long ago that I had donned my own to do the same, and now I will be doing it again.I am glad I never pawned my gear, after all.
Headed home with slow, painful steps, to think, to pray, to write. It is strange: I thought I would be anxious when I received my work orders, yet the only feeling that settled in the pit of my gut to mingle with the ever-present nausea was one of calm, of assurance. This. This is familiar. I can do this.
I feel like I have been given direction, and it is in something I take pride in, know that I excel at. There will be no more failures. Not like with E or the old man, or with Astarin. Or as a parent.
The darkskin's reply to the Scarlet was attached with the assignment. Soon I will need to return to the cold and ice and that bastard. I just need to collect the rest of the correspondence; still need the rat-ear bitch's and Auro's.
Auro. There's the lightest speckles of ink on the page around the name, as if the quill has spent several moments idly tap-tapping in thought.
As much as I am a failure, he was there for me today, in so many ways. I do not know how I feel about him any longer. My thoughts and emotions shift like sand in one of those hourglasses, except they just sink and sink and sink, weighing me down in confusion because there is no one to turn them over to restart the time.
I think I might be falling
It turns out that E shadowed me home. Stupid of me; makes me wish I could blame my stupidity on age, but there was so much in my head and I was so very tired. I have not been eating with Auroran gone. Not that it is his fault or that I blame him for doing the work he has that takes him away from Procrastin and I; I just cannot seem to keep anything down, and Auroran always seems to make everything a little better, a little easier.
I think he knows I have not been taking care of myself, but we did not get around to discussing that particular failure.
She startled me. E, I mean. Missed all the signs of her presence at first; so many excuses: I was exhausted and my back ached and my stomach kept cramping and there was no relief in sight with my self-promise of staying soberfor him. So many excuses. It boils down to: I missed the signs and she got the better of me and it wounds my pride to confess it.
I must not let these become setbacks or warnings of things to come with the assignment.
E stopped to talk with me outside the Lamb, to apologize, I think. I was so distracted that I did not pay her much attention. More regret. I received my first assignment today, which is how she found me at all; I was sitting on one of the benches overlooking the well to read the missive when she approached me.
She tossed a book down the well which got my attention--it was what we had used before I got a new tongue to communicate through. I think a little piece of me died for the symbolism.
I left her there with that mask of hers hiding her expression--it was not too long ago that I had donned my own to do the same, and now I will be doing it again.
Headed home with slow, painful steps, to think, to pray, to write. It is strange: I thought I would be anxious when I received my work orders, yet the only feeling that settled in the pit of my gut to mingle with the ever-present nausea was one of calm, of assurance. This. This is familiar. I can do this.
I feel like I have been given direction, and it is in something I take pride in, know that I excel at. There will be no more failures. Not like with E or the old man
The darkskin's reply to the Scarlet was attached with the assignment. Soon I will need to return to the cold and ice and that bastard. I just need to collect the rest of the correspondence; still need the rat-ear bitch's and Auro's.
Auro. There's the lightest speckles of ink on the page around the name, as if the quill has spent several moments idly tap-tapping in thought.
As much as I am a failure, he was there for me today, in so many ways. I do not know how I feel about him any longer. My thoughts and emotions shift like sand in one of those hourglasses, except they just sink and sink and sink, weighing me down in confusion because there is no one to turn them over to restart the time.
It turns out that E shadowed me home. Stupid of me; makes me wish I could blame my stupidity on age, but there was so much in my head and I was so very tired. I have not been eating with Auroran gone. Not that it is his fault or that I blame him for doing the work he has that takes him away from Procrastin and I; I just cannot seem to keep anything down, and Auroran always seems to make everything a little better, a little easier.
I think he knows I have not been taking care of myself, but we did not get around to discussing that particular failure.
She startled me. E, I mean. Missed all the signs of her presence at first; so many excuses: I was exhausted and my back ached and my stomach kept cramping and there was no relief in sight with my self-promise of staying sober
I must not let these become setbacks or warnings of things to come with the assignment.
There is no failure.
If I can be a line of communication between the Scarlet and home, then I can do this, too, and fuck E with her invasion of that home and the things she said to me.
So much regret for how I have handled things with her, with Cadence. I would have preferred the sharp edge of a blade to the things either of them have flung at me instead. Yet Auroran was there in what felt like seconds--although I am certain even by the fastest gryphon it took him considerable time to reach me from wherever my desperate thoughts netted his instant concern.
I had not expected to hear a reply, it was desperation and the deep-seated fear that I had been found somehow. A thousand possibilities, none of them good, ran through my mind in those seconds before I realized who it was that was lurking under the guise of shadows. Then Auroran showed even as I took action in my panic, and the overwhelming relief I felt in that moment to see his shadowed form in the doorway at E's back nearly crippled me right there.
My own inattentiveness and panic did the rest so that I practically limped over to him while he glowered down at her. The indecision of who to protect, who to defend, all melted away.
So much regret for how I have handled things with her, with Cadence. I would have preferred the sharp edge of a blade to the things either of them have flung at me instead. Yet Auroran was there in what felt like seconds--although I am certain even by the fastest gryphon it took him considerable time to reach me from wherever my desperate thoughts netted his instant concern.
I had not expected to hear a reply, it was desperation and the deep-seated fear that I had been found somehow. A thousand possibilities, none of them good, ran through my mind in those seconds before I realized who it was that was lurking under the guise of shadows. Then Auroran showed even as I took action in my panic, and the overwhelming relief I felt in that moment to see his shadowed form in the doorway at E's back nearly crippled me right there.
My own inattentiveness and panic did the rest so that I practically limped over to him while he glowered down at her. The indecision of who to protect, who to defend, all melted away.
Auroran is my family.
This group that I have signed myself to is my family.
I owe them all, even the Scarlet, my devotion and loyalty.
It has been bought and paid for a thousand times over.
I was saddened yet filled with further relief when E left after spouting so many hurtful things at me. Auroran insists that she was only manipulating me and my trust for her--what little had remained when I realized it was she that tailed me and made me feel so unsafe in my home.
Knight in shadowy armor. How very much like an infatuated little girl, to think of him that way.
He tended to my leg, said nothing when I dared to wrap my arms around his waist and pretend it was okay to do so. Warmth; companionship. The pulse under my ear. We 'spoke' at length for some time despite my growing sense of shutting down again, of nearing that finite point where I would sink as stone into unconsciousness.
That boy has so many fears. More kinship between us, to sense them, to know them, to hear them. I took the hands that hid his face from me and held them so he could not hide again.
I told him he has nothing to fear, not from me, about the things that weigh him down so much. Him and Procrastin both. Nothing ever to fear, not from me. It does not matter what they were before I knew them, or how they behaved--to each other and to others. I told him as much, and was surprised that it was truth and not comforting lies to a friend. I am uncertain whether he believes me, but he thanked me in such a desperate tone, as if he needed to hear it anyway.
There was a moment I think, where we almost kissed, and I do not know what to feel or think about that at all. Surely it was not imagined, how our faces were so close and the way there was this shy, slight smile on his lips.I wish he would smile more But I recalled my fervent promise, my fealty I gave to Procrastin. I could not follow impulse and find where it led. Auroran is not mine. Neither of them are mine, not in the way I might wish.
The Scarlet has taken away enough of Auroran from Procrastin. I will not add insult to injury; I will not fail these two I have come to care for so much by coming between them.At least it puts the fiasco this morning into perspective, with stealing into Procrastin's bed for company while he slept and having him mistake me for Auroran.
Either he read that hesitation in me or he felt it too, because the opportunity passed, died in our arms as we stared. He pressed his lips to my cheek, instead, and I let go of hands I had not realized I was still holding.
Then Auroran held me again, and I felt contentment, even though it was not the same.
It has been bought and paid for a thousand times over.
I was saddened yet filled with further relief when E left after spouting so many hurtful things at me. Auroran insists that she was only manipulating me and my trust for her--what little had remained when I realized it was she that tailed me and made me feel so unsafe in my home.
He tended to my leg, said nothing when I dared to wrap my arms around his waist and pretend it was okay to do so. Warmth; companionship. The pulse under my ear. We 'spoke' at length for some time despite my growing sense of shutting down again, of nearing that finite point where I would sink as stone into unconsciousness.
That boy has so many fears. More kinship between us, to sense them, to know them, to hear them. I took the hands that hid his face from me and held them so he could not hide again.
I told him he has nothing to fear, not from me, about the things that weigh him down so much. Him and Procrastin both. Nothing ever to fear, not from me. It does not matter what they were before I knew them, or how they behaved--to each other and to others. I told him as much, and was surprised that it was truth and not comforting lies to a friend. I am uncertain whether he believes me, but he thanked me in such a desperate tone, as if he needed to hear it anyway.
There was a moment I think, where we almost kissed, and I do not know what to feel or think about that at all. Surely it was not imagined, how our faces were so close and the way there was this shy, slight smile on his lips.
The Scarlet has taken away enough of Auroran from Procrastin. I will not add insult to injury; I will not fail these two I have come to care for so much by coming between them.
Either he read that hesitation in me or he felt it too, because the opportunity passed, died in our arms as we stared. He pressed his lips to my cheek, instead, and I let go of hands I had not realized I was still holding.
Then Auroran held me again, and I felt contentment, even though it was not the same.
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