page 167

Have not been concious enough or sober enough to write until now. Wishing that I Failing to see the point in getting up at all.

Was really ill last night. So violently sick that what little I had gotten into my stomach found its way onto the grass at my feet outside the tavern. Getting worse. Getting more difficult to hide. Cadence and Elynia think it is all the liquor. That works for me. I do not mind being thought unable to hold my drink; better than the alternative.

They--never expected the two of them to work with each other--ganged up on me. Practically carried me between them, no small feat. Forced me to that inn downtown in the square. The one near the bank, I think. I get so turned around here. Tried to get me to eat, but after tossing up my guts for what felt like ever, the thought of food but the very scent of it made me even more ill. Cadence left me to Elynia's 'charms' who promptly left me as well, alone and nursing a glass of water while I silently willed myself to just die already.

When that failed, as it always does, I skipped out on the room she rented for me--sorry, Cadence, I just have spent too long in the gutters to feel at home in the comforts others have for granted. Pawned a few items I had stashed for emergencies what emergencies? It is not like I plan on keeping it when it is to buy some leather, dye, thread, and a decent knife. The work gave me focus, even if it did not last. I had forgotten how soothing it could be to lose myself in crafting. For a small, blissful amount of time, I did not feel the pounding in my head or the churning in my gut or the terror that quietly sits in the back of all my thoughts which waits always to drag me back down into my gutter with another bottle of bourbon to cradle for company.

I gave the belt I made out of the bought materials to that human. I think Cadence calls him Campion? Champion? That would be stupid irony, a paladin named Champion Pretty sure it is Campion. Humans. Look so alike, how am I expected to keep their names right all the time?

He seemed less than thrilled, both in my approach and my repeated attempts at peace offerings, but at least he took it. I still feel bad, especially without being so completely skunked that I can actually think about what I did. I would never have pulled his pants down if I had thought things through. The absolute... fear I feel for the idea of having that done to me, to being exposed for what I really am, to being mocked and laughed at... Mother Moon, how could I have ever done such a vicious thing?

Words cannot convey my regret, and I can only hope he does not plan on returning my thoughtless actions in kind.

Nausea seems to have passed tonight, for the moment. Too sober. Hate it. Too many thoughts crowding in my head. Cadence found me again, forced me to eat. She is angry at me for telling her I do not care, that I do not want to eat. That I just want to be left alone to rot. It is what I deserve, what I want.

Think she believes this is out of guilt for what I did to Campion, when in reality that is such a paltry part of it in comparision. Let her believe it. Easier than explaining that I am Easier than telling the truth.

Discovered that my armor is not fitting anymore. It is too tight in several places, makes it difficult to breathe. But the scavanged clothes I found were too stained with blood from my drunken fighting to be useable. No gold to buy anything looser, and afraid to, anyway. It is getting harder and harder to ignore the truth.